Cards Against Humanity believes that in American politics, cash is king. If you want to get anything done, you’ve got to buy your way in. That’s why this year, $2,414,337,089 was spent by 11,509 professional lobbyists trying to sell their bullshit to Congress.
Now Cards Against Humanity is getting into the game with the windfall profits from our Holiday Bullshit campaign, where 250,000 people paid us $15 each to send them ten mystery gifts during the month of December.
What kind of valuable bribes could we buy with one dollar from each of our Holiday Bullshit subscribers? Let’s find out.
We could buy 5% of James Watson’s Nobel Prize for science enthusiast Sen. Brandon Smith (R-KY), who said:
I think in academia we all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here. Nobody will dispute that.1
Fun fact: That the average temperature on Mars is about -81 degrees Fahrenheit. The average temperature on Earth is 57 degrees Fahrenheit.
One Virgin Galactic space flight for Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) who, during a 1997 visit to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, asked whether the Mars Pathfinder would be able to show an image of:
the flag the astronauts planted there before.2
Fun fact: Outer space is an infinite void of loneliness.
A herd of musk-oxen and seven nights in the honeymoon suite of the Indianapolis JW Marriott for Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) who said:
When you say [marriage] is not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?3
Fun fact: The musk ox are named for the potent odor given off by the males during mating season.
A private island for Congressman Hank Johnson (D-GA), who said:
My fear is that the whole island [of Guam] will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.4
Fun fact: You can buy a remote private island in Maine for as little as $200,000.
A year’s salary for one full-time butler and four manservants for Assemblyman Jim Wheeler (R-NV), who said the following when asked if he would vote to reinstate slavery:
Yeah, I would.5
Fun fact: Fuck this guy.
2,808 high-end butt plugs for Sen. Tim Walberg (R-MI) who reacted to the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision by saying:
Society itself is at risk and cannot continue.6
Fun fact: Oh Joy Sex Toy says the Njoy Pure/Fun butt plug is the new standard by which we will compare all butt toys.
A gold casket for Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper who said the following about drinking fracking fluid with Halliburton representatives:
You can drink it. We did drink it, around the table, almost ritual-like.7
Fun fact: Fracking fluid includes lead, uranium, radium, hydrochloric acid, and formaldehyde.
9,276 Big Boy Style 1st Generation Truck Nutz™ for Jack Gerard, president of the American Petroleum Institute, who said:
The oil and gas industry gets no subsidies, zero, nothing.8
Fun fact: The oil and gas industry gets over 6 billion dollars in subsidies each year.
11,363 Pizza Hut Meat Lover’s Pizzas® for former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, who said:
The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is. A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.9
Fun fact: The average American consumes 46 slices of pizza per year.
13,000 clown costumes for Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who said:
Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too.10
Fun fact: Michele Bachmann was mistakenly referring to serial killer clown John Wayne Gacy.
47,528 Pizza Lunchables® and 10,049 pairs of child-sized work gloves for Maine Governor Paul LePage who suggested we should make it legal for twelve year olds to work because:
work doesn’t hurt anybody.11
Fun fact: Children have small hands ideal for making card games.
71,428 Auntie Anne’s® pepperoni pretzels for Mike Huckabee who said if gay people are allowed to marry:
Holy matrimony [would be] formed into an unholy pretzel.12
Fun fact: 71,428 Auntie Anne’s pepperoni pretzels contain 61,428,080mg (135 lbs.) of salt, 4,095,205% of your recommended daily intake (a lethal dose).
250,000 pocket constitutions for Rep. Jim Bridenstine (R-OK), who said of the Supreme Court’s Obamacare decision:
Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn't necessarily mean that that's constitutional.13
Fun fact: Just because the Supreme Court rules on something does necessarily mean it’s constitutional.
125,628 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red for Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) who said:
Governmental attempts to regulate and tax tobacco are no different than if the government were to regulate and tax Mountain Dew.14
Fun fact: The government does regulate and tax Mountain Dew.
1,250,000 AOL subscription CDs for Ted Cruz (R-TX), who said:
Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.15
Fun fact: You should probably do something about Net Neutrality now or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Instead of bribing our elected officials, we gave $250,000 to the Sunlight Foundation - a nonprofit that lets us see who's spending money in politics and how much they're spending.
You can use the Sunlight Foundation’s tools to see who’s giving money to your officials using Influence Explorer, and you can find out who represents you and what they vote for using OpenCongress.
You can also learn about the important work that the Sunlight Foundation is doing to create a more open, transparent government at sunlightfoundation.com/policy.