A menorah

This year, 150,000 subscribers signed up to receive Cards Against Humanity’s Eight Sensible Gifts for Hanukkah. For the first three nights, we sent everybody an identical pair of socks, which everybody loved and thought was hilarious.

Today, we gave $150,000 of your money to WBEZ, Chicago’s NPR member station.

Chicago Public Media is responsible for many of our favorite shows like This American Life, Serial, Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me!, Sound Opinions, and Re:Sound.

About 70% of Americans believe that NPR and PBS receive 1% or more of the federal government’s budget, and a recent CNN/Opinion Research poll found that 7% of Americans believe that public broadcasting receives 50% or more of the federal budget, or about 1.8 trillion dollars. Those Americans are idiots; their favorite movie is probably Crash.

In reality, funding for public television and radio makes up just 0.014% of the federal budget, with radio only receiving 26% of that. (For reference, this is less than Congress spent on Abrams tanks that the Army specifically asked them not to buy).

But this got us thinking...

What could NPR do if it received 1% of the Federal budget (40 billion dollars)?

What NPR could do with 40 billion dollars

WBEZ has also agreed to make all of our Eight Sensible Gifts subscribers members for the year of 2016.

We forgot to ask what the actual membership benefits are, but here’s what we assume they include:

You will be interviewed on This American Life for a full hour. Garrison Keillor will send you Powermilk Biscuits. NPR Bonus mode will be unlocked on your radio. You'll learn the secret handshake with Kai Ryssdal that only rich people know about. Terry Gross will tell you that one of your stories is interesting. You will find out who really did 9/11 and Benghazi. Carl Kasell will come to your home, record his voice on your home answering machine, seduce your wife, steal your identity, abscond with your Netflix password, and flee to Mexico. You will be on the first manned mission to Mars. The events that happened to Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar will happen to you. Tavis Smiley and Cornel West will give you a high five and tell you you're cool, unless you're not white, in which case you will not receive this membership benefit because you are already cool. People will nod to you in the street and greet you as “Member Dave” or “Member Alice.” You shall have an eternal seat in the Halls of Valhalla, where you will imbibe tankards of mead with the great warriors of history. The Halls will ring out with the jubilant roar of your battle hymns for one thousand thousand generations. Buy-one-get-one-free appetizer at participating Olive Garden Italian Restaurants.